Pages of my Heart
by Raindrop Ninja
Summary: Spamano, human AU. He would pour out his heart through that pen, onto the blank pages of the small, lowly blue journal. But three years ago, he lost the only person he would ever show it to. Now he shows it to no one. Not even him.
1. Raindrop

Lovino stared blankly out the window, the drops that swirled down the pane giving way to an opaqueness that seemed to blockade him from the outside world. He shook his head as if to rid himself of something before falling back on his twin-sized bed, continuing to focus on the gray blanket that lay over the sky. Some summer this had turned out to be. His first day of high school was fast approaching, and he didn't feel any more secure about it than he had at eight grade graduation three months ago. It wasn't that he hadn't gotten pep talks from his brother and his best friend and his brother's friends and the like, and it wasn't that he hadn't had anything to take his mind off the impending school year over the summer, but he just didn't feel up to it. He could never have Feliciano's sunny outlook on everything, nor had he ever possessed the ability to easily adjust to things.

He could also never forget.

He could never forget the one person to whom he had told everything, to whom he had poured out his heart, whom he had saddled with his worries, troubles and fears. The one who had just disappeared three years ago.

Lovino remembered everything about him in painful detail. His deep brown hair and forest green eyes, the way he always smelled like spices and tomato leaves. He recalled his happy-go-lucky personality, the tendency he had to talk a little too loud, that irritating semi-lisp he had at certain times. And of course, his love- his passion- for tomatoes. Much like his own.

All of that and more, so much more. Every little impertinent detail jumped out at him like poppies in winter. They had haunted him ever since the other boy had vanished just before their sixth grade year. Lovino hadn't seen or heard from him for three years. And every day, the possibility of maybe seeing him again clawed at him relentlessly, refusing to allow him to move on and make ready for the future.

The young Italian sighed and closed his eyes for a few long moments, precious moments, before blinking them open again and sitting back up. He glanced over at the large wood-grain desk in the corner before his eyes darted away again. They slowly crept back over, eyeing the small, open, blue book that sat in the center of the relatively clean surface. He scowled a bit deeper before slowly standing and making his way through the cluttered room to the desk and sitting and picking up the pen that lay beside the journal. The words already flowed through his head, and they flowed out of him and onto the paper from the pen, his writing like liquid emotion. His heart in simple black ink.

* * *

_The night is black_

_Through the blackness, a light,_

_A sound, or just the rain_

_Brings out of the lonely darkness _

_Your face to me again._

_If only in my heart,_

_With the sound of each raindrop_

_My memories of you start._

_The hum of the train _

_Your laugh to memory calls._

_The touch of your hand-_

_As the raindrop falls._


	2. Memories

**A/N: I told you I would update soon :3 So here it is. I have a vague idea of where this is going, but it's more of an outline. :D Anyway, yes I know this isn't what you would call the most subtle event in the universe, in this chapter, but please bear with me! I wrote it with my trusty Pod at my pocket, and I always write a little out of it when I have my 'buds in... So! I truly hope you enjoy! Please review and let me know what you think! Molto grazie! **

**-Rain**

* * *

The clouds that lay over the sky the day before were just the same today. The students pouring through the school gates, however, were quite a difference from the vacancy of yesterday. Sounds of a thousand voices swirled on the wind, near deafening to those in the middle of the fray.

Lovino stared at the frosted ground underfoot, hands jammed in his pockets as he focused solely on pushing his way through the suffocating crowd. He was alone in his endeavor; his little brother having joined up with some friends earlier on, and so he was alone. Just like he had been.

_That's not true_, a little voice told him. _Stop lying to yourself. You had Antonio._ His inner voice pecked at him, and for just a moment, he thought that maybe, just maybe, he'd finally see him again this time.

He froze before slapping himself hard across the face. How stupid was he to think that? He hadn't seen Antonio for three years. How could he be so naïve?

He had to let it go, he told himself. Over and over, he repeated it as he cut through the crowd. He wouldn't see him again. And yet, it was more than just the gravity of the situation that forced him to think like this; more than that, he was afraid of seeing the other boy again. Afraid of how his already unstable emotions would react. So he did his best to push it to the back of his mind.

* * *

The entrance ceremonies came and went rather smoothly, as did the rest of the morning. Soon enough, lunchtime had rolled around, and Lovi found himself alone in the English classroom when he looked up from his journal. He just scowled as usual and pushed the volume into one of his bookbag pockets, standing and leaving the room without bothering to push in his chair.

* * *

The cafeteria was teeming with students, making the space borderline claustrophobic. So despite the unusual bite to the September air, Lovino decided to join the much small number of people eating outside on the steps in front of school. However, his relative peace was interrupted by the voice of his little brother, cutting into his abstract thoughts. "Fratello~!"

Lovino jumped and turned to look in the direction of his younger twin. "What do you want, Feli-"

"I couldn't find you in the cafeteria, so I looked and looked and looked!" Feliciano declared, bright as always. "I finally found you out here, and you looked lonely, so me and some of my friends decided to come and-" He cut himself off when he finally realized that Lovino's attention wasn't focused on him at all. "Fratellone? Are you okay?"

The older Italian was frozen, his gaze fixed on one of the people behind his brother. "Tony…" His voice came out as little more than a whisper as he stared at the boy. The boy a few years older than him, hair a rich brown color, forest green eyes that held a smile if you searched.

Lovino stood, taking a few tentative steps toward his fixation. "Tony!"

Kind green eyes turned to him, a hint of surprise within. "Que?"

"Antonio!" Lovino repeated again.

Antonio walked down a few steps to be closer to the younger boy. When it looked like the Italian was about to say something else, he held up a hand. "How do you know my name?"

"What do you mean?" Lovi responded, taken aback. "It's me! It's Lovino, tomato bastard! I've known you since I was three!"

Antonio laughed lightly yet nervously. "Lo siento, but… I don't know you."

The younger froze again, an unreadable emotion on his face before blinking hard and reassuming the cold mask he always wore. "Mi dispiace. I must have been thinking of someone else. I've been… Out of sorts lately." He looked away at the grey sky, collecting his thoughts before refocusing. "So, I guess… See you around." Then, with a small nod, he pushed past the Spaniard and into the building, vanishing into the throng of people before his brother or anyone could stop him.

* * *

Lovino blankly stared at the chemistry teacher as she lectured the class on some subject that he clearly didn't care about enough to focus on. His chin rested on his palm as he reached down to his bookbag and withdrew his pen and journal. They were supposed to be taking notes, so he had a good enough excuse to be writing.

After recording more of his heart in those blank pages, he closed the small book again with a yawn and laid his head on the weathered blue cover. The book had belonged to their grandfather, who had gifted it to Lovino before he had passed away. He'd held it dearer to him than anything he'd ever had since then. After all, it held the voices of not just his own heart, but his grandfather's as well.

* * *

_My thoughts are wandering  
From this dreary, hellish place,  
To a sweet old kitchen  
With scents of nutmeg and mace._

_Away from two windows and four bare walls  
To a jumble of people and cooking food.  
But no, here I will stay as if captured  
In ugly depths and damnation of my moods._


	3. Lonely

**A/N: I know this seems like a finishing point, but I promise, this is not the end, my readers! I have too many ideas for this story to end it here ;) So, enjoy this third chapter of Pages of my Heart! Molto grazie for reading!**

**-Rain**

* * *

As school continued, and October came and went, Lovino kept the same thought, the same focus: _'Why doesn't he remember?_' The question had been plaguing him since the first day of school. The first day he had seen Antonio in three years.

Why didn't he remember Lovino? Or anything? Why didn't Feliciano remember his being friends with Antonio?

…_What happened?_

* * *

The snow crunched underfoot, the only sound in the silently falling powder save for slow, quiet breaths. The white crystals falling around Lovino seemed to blot out the world. It made him feel isolated and intrusive at the same time. It made him feel… lonely. The feeling of utter solitude seemed to consume him as he stopped walking, staring up into the white abyss above.

"Hey!"

Lovino jumped and quickly turned to face the voice. "Who-?" His surprised expression once again became a scowl as he realized who it was. "What is it?" he asked coldly. Of course it would turn out to be the person he had been avoiding for a month and a half.

"Lovino, was it? Why do you keep running from me?" Tony asked, a note of desperation sounding in his voice.

"Why do you keep following me?" Lovino countered.

Antonio's tone became more pleading as he argued, "I just want to talk to you! You've been avoiding me like the plague since school began! I know I don't know you, but-"

"Shut the fuck up!" Lovino snapped. "You're right; you don't know me. What the hell could you possibly want to talk to me for?"

"Lovino! I wanted to tell you-"

"I don't care whatever you have to say! Just… leave me the hell alone!" He turned on his heel and ran, away from the past, away from his fears, away from the friend he would never have again. Away from the person he needed most at the moment. He truly did care about the Spaniard's concerns, but he couldn't bear to listen to the boy he'd become such close friends with talk to him like he was a complete stranger. He had to remember him! There's no way he could've forgotten, not even in three years!

…Right?

Lovino shook his head violently as he continued running toward his destination.

* * *

Soon enough, he was holed up on the roof of the old school building, the hood of his grey sweatshirt pulled over his auburn hair, his legs pulled up close to him. He rested his arms on his knees, burying his face in them. "Cazzo…" he mumbled into the fabric of his jacket. "…Why am I such a goddamn idiot?"

He sat there for what seemed like hours. He knew he had been there for a while when he heard the dismissal bell from the new school building, but he didn't care. Didn't care about going home, didn't care about the cold that was seeped through his sweatshirt, leeching away his body heat and chilling him to his bones, didn't care about the darkness already slowly creeping up on the horizon.

After a while longer, he sat up a little and raised his head, stretching his stiff muscles. He tilted his head back to stare up at the sky again, almost giving in to the childish temptation to stick out his tongue and catch one of the white crystals that fell endlessly from the grey clouds.

He scowled at the immature notion and reverted to staring down at his bookbag, tucked safely under his legs. Subconsciously, his hands reached out for the bag, guiding themselves to the pen and journal that were always there, in the same spot. He didn't resist the impulse this time; his greatest escape was his journal, a place where he could be alone with his thoughts, feelings and realities.

Lovino opened the small blue book, already beginning to write the moment his pen touched the blank, lined paper, hunching protectively over the stationary as he wrote.

* * *

_Campus is blanketed with snow.  
It lies in a deep veil.  
Crystals glisten under shadows low;  
Cotton balls, light and frail._

_Old Cutter's bell chimes and fades,  
And it leaves a yearning in the heart  
For springtime's new green grass blades,  
So untouchable from the start._

_My heart is like the footstep  
Alone amidst the cold  
Of the white unfriendly mass  
With not a friend to hold._

_My arms are stretched like the branches  
Of that dark, empty tree,  
Just waiting for some dear, old friend  
To greet me lovingly._

_But there is no one, nothing  
For the tree nor I;  
Only lights in other's windows  
To view while passing by._

* * *

"LOVINO!"

Lovino jumped again and quickly shut the journal, tucking it into his bag again.

"Lovino, I'm so glad I found you!" The Italian looked up, surprised. Antonio stood before him, hands on his knees and out of breath. "I… couldn't find you… anywhere…" he panted.

Lovino glared at him and quickly stood, slinging his bookbag over his shoulder again. "I thought I told you to leave me the hell alone!"

Antonio offered a weak smile. "Lo siento… but I can't do that." He straightened up and cleared his throat. "You see, what I wanted to tell you earlier was-"

"I don't care!" Lovino shouted again, before gasping as the Spaniard gently grabbed his shoulders and looked him in the eye.

"Lovino, I wanted to say that I may not remember you now, but…" He averted his gaze. "I get the feeling that we were close before. Very close."

"No shit we were close, you bast-"

Antonio returned his gaze to the Italian's. "And I just wanted to say… that although it'll probably never be the same-" Lovino gasped again as the Spaniard pulled him into an embrace. "-I… I still want to try. I want… to be that close again…" Antonio pulled away a little. "I want to try to be your friend again."

Lovino stood there in Antonio's arms, his face pushed into the other boy's jacket, his eyes wide. He clamped his hazel eyes tightly shut against the tears that he was desperate not to let fall. "Bastard…" he mumbled, feeling warmer than he thought possible in such harsh weather.

* * *

_But spring will come again  
For the lonely tree and I  
And better friends will come  
Before either of us die._


End file.
